About This Practice
Boundaries create safety in relationships. Rather than ultimatums or threats, they are a way to stay true to yourself while connecting with other people. In this practice, you will clarify boundaries between you, your loved one, and/or other family members. You will begin by looking inward and building a safe and calm place for yourself. Then, you will look outward, so you can return to conversations and relationships faster and with more confidence.
Steps
Find your unsafe moments
Think about moments with your loved one or a family member that felt intrusive or unsafe. These are likely moments where you wanted to just check out. What was happening in these moments that made you feel uncomfortable?
Imagine a boundary
Review your list of moments. Pick one and think about what you wish the other person would have done if they could have read your mind. Visualize the scene again, but this time imagine it playing out in a way that makes you feel safer.
Clarify your boundary
Recall the moment and the scene you visualized before. Think about why you wanted the other person to act differently and how that provided more safety. Write down your boundary in the following format, “If you do/say/act [insert other person's behavior], I will choose to do [insert your behavior]. Remember, that it is not an ultimatum or a threat. Your behavior is a way to stay grounded in you.
Assert your boundary
Practice stating your boundary out loud by saying it 10 times in front of a mirror or to a neutral friend. Now you’re ready to have the real conversation with your loved one. It may feel weird at first, but stating what you need is an act of kindness to yourself and the person you're setting the boundary with.